Over-Thinking Ruins You

Sometimes it's best to just "let things be", to not get wrapped up the dramatic sense of it all, let it steep in the hotness until the cool air drifts over and settles; to take a time out and find the inner goodness that lives within; to not let anger and fear consume your thoughts which would later result in an even bigger mess than the worry itself. 

"Am I doing this right? Could I be doing more? How can I make a better impact on all around me?" These deep underlying feelings, these lumps in the back of our throats that we contain within by swallowing down to the pit of our stomachs as to not escape into the reality; these feelings bring out panic attacks and it's been weeks since I've had an attack; been since July since I've had my first attack that gave me the exact definition of a panic attack. It flashed fear into my body like electricity racing through my veins where blood once resided and left a lasting impression; scar that leave me constantly treading on thin ice, not wanting for something to break and fall through. We wake up and examine our body for evidence. Do I feel shaky? How's my breathing? Do I feel the tight pain in my neck that at any slight movement can leave me constricted to zombie like movements? I lay awake with my thoughts running around in circles, trying to talk myself out of the anxiety; only, the more I fight it, the bigger it gets and pretty soon I'm paralyzed by a fear that I'm losing control of my own mind. 

I can be a mess at times; stuck in an OCD loop of fear and anxiety about the littlest fragmented things of my little insignificant life, racing thoughts and being afraid that I might panic...at any given moment; which in turn causes more panic and brings about episodes of even more panicky panic pathetic panics. 

((((and breathing))))

I've searched deep within and also in a Sherlock Holmes(esque) manner; I've managed to find things that bring on such bouts of panic. 

*Heat and Humidity---Rule of Thumb: I do not go outside in the heat/humidity if it's like 95* and I'm in any sort of clothing whatsoever. At the lake in a bikini?! That seems to be fine but then I'd most likely want to reach for a cold drink to partake in the festivities but again, fuel to the fire. No bueno. So I avoid it at all costs. 

*My own negative thoughts and perfectionist OCD qualities that consume me---Rule of Thumb: The world is NOT out to get you. This can be the hardest one to pinpoint. Upon getting passed my past, it's easy for me to be my toughest critic; being stuck in the habit of thinking someone or something is looking down on me, their pointer finger a-pointing and scolding my every move. 

*and Money (or lack thereof)--- Rule of Thumb: like blood, it circulates. Somedays I have more than I should and somedays I have less than I want. However, neither my children or I go without ANYTHING. Even Santa Claus himself was like "Wow! If you can't think of anything for the list then I'd say you're sitting pretty well." It's just easy to overwhelm ourselves with the lack thereof when we check the mail and it's bills/bills/bills. What happened to handwritten notes and Christmas Cards? Lol! 

It's safe to say that it's still all new to me. I find that if I'm in a position that I feel uncomfortable or that any sort of conflict may result, it's best for me to just shut down and let it steep, like a tea bag in a mug of scolding hot water (which sounds perfect right about now). I shut down. I need to give myself a time out to think about the situation or circumstance before reacting. Work on being proactive. 

Every woman should have a sanctuary located somewhere within their happy and healthy home. It's a place where your thoughts are laid to rest, where you surround yourself with all your favorite things be it pictures of the kids, fresh flowers, a hot cup of tea, some scented candles to light, some ticket stubs to a concert you attended in Central Park with some of your nearest and dearest, a scarf that you knitted that you can wrap up in and the whole world melts away around you. 

In my new home, I haven't created a corner or nook to confine myself within. I haven't created a select place where a shrine lives where I can escape on my time outs and just focus on my breathing. I place myself upon my perfectly made bed, full of fluffy pillows, the sun shining through the curtains that creates the perfect glow of warmth and home. I have cards from those I love sitting on the nightstand next to the bed along with books I love to read all cozied up next to my man; a carnival glass dish in the perfect opulent orange shade I place all my accessories in as I get undressed and redressed in cozy pajamas. A framed poem of the 1: Corinthians and a lamp to shed some light on any subject. In the top drawer?..all my favorite things, my hidden treasures; dark chocolate with sea salt, peppermint foot balm, my grape skin moisturizer that my mother brought back from a vineyard in Napa, Lavender and Orange lip balm; a pair of slippers for any midnight runs outside of the bed, and some other things that needn't be mentioned but make for a romantic night within arms reach :)

And hanging upon the wall is a shrine that has accumulated a massive amount of my treasures throughout the years. Having everything tucked in neatly and not to neatly; holding on tightly to some of my most memorable items. 

*A menu from the White Star bar in SoHo NYC from my birthdate in 2008 where I travelled and attended an art gallery opening. I drank sparkling champagne with cubes of brown sugar and absynthe dropped onto spoonfuls of  white cubed sugar while I hid behind dark sunglasses under the bright light of the audience. They all knew I was a tourist. I hailed for a cab and headed back to the condo where I was staying. I felt soooo very small and alone in that instant; in that extremely large city; knowing nobody, not knowing my way around. How I wanted to be so carefree and breathe in the sights and the sounds of the city and when I thought I had escaped my own self; I wanted nothing more than to find her again; in an area I knew my way around, in my comfy clothes and without hiding behind dark glasses.

*All of my JM concert badges given to me over the many many tours I had a friend working on. I was lucky enough to work at a concert/club lighting company and we had the JM contract and he was the LD on the tour. So...I got much wanted JM swag and I've saved it all. Well...because I'm the just biggest JM fan EVER!

*JM ticket stubs for each and every time I've had the pleasure of seeing him live, boarding passes from my trips all around the country, a trail map for the slopes from my time spent in Aspen, postcards from around the globe, a letter I wrote to Jaxon when he was still in the womb, various pictures of my son and set beside it in a vase is a single black faux feather I rec'd from a hairdresser the night of a Goth Gala I attended at Nico many many moons ago. 

All of these things remind me of the lovely life I've had up to this point. They put a smile on my face where worry resides most days. I'm certainly still trying to figure out what has triggered these attacks and can only hope to prevent them as I gather more intel. However, until then, I take deep breaths, I count my many blessings and I drink up the sights and sounds of the happy and healthy home in which I share with all my favorite people. 

There really isn't need to worry, I know this. It sounds so simple. Everything will be fine. Give time to time. It will heal all. 

And as the year comes to a close and I prepare gifts for under the tree and anticipate the smiles that will take over the faces of the little ones in my home; I am so incredibly happy that I have a certain someone to share my life with; the good, the bad, sickness (ha), health, and many memories we work on making daily. I wish he could see how much he does for each and every one of us; how happy he makes us; and how fortunate we are to have him in our lives. I am so happy he doesn't cause me more stress than I can handle, drops things that need to be dropped and doesn't push when there needn't be pushing. Somewhere; past all of the worry and stress and panic; we somehow know that all will be well in the world and we needn't attack the issue further. It's so incredible to know someone has your back fully. Even in a state of panic; they're there to step in and take over with such ease. 

Panic Less-Love More

Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic. 

Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those who do not write, compose or paint can manage to escape the madness, melancholia, the panic and fear which is inherent in a human situation.