My father and I are close; attached at the hip, always on my mind, my rock, my heart and my guiding light into the night. We (on average) talk every other day, if not every day and sometimes twice on Sundays.
In the middle of my bantering, ranting and raving over this and that and whatever of that particular moment that is pissing me off, making my blood boil and I'm venting to him; giving the exact definition for the word "venting"-meaning to have hot steam roll out of the vents after things have really heated up. He lets me go on and on and on about rat-tit-tat-tit-too and when I finally get to the end of such said vent, while I'm catching my breath he very calmy and every so plain and flat says, "You really should call your grandmother. She mentioned something the other day about probably not being around for next Christmas."
The phone falls silent...
"Ash?, Are you still there?"
I don't know where my mind had escaped to but I most certainly did NOT want to be having this conversation. Not only am I responsible for the lives of two small children, being the damn Santa Claus I still would like to magicially believe in, now here we are talking about death of our loved ones like we talk about the changing of the weather. Really?! Adulthood sucks!
"You have her number don't you?"
I say, "Yeah..blah blah blah-blah blah blah blah. It's been the same for the past 89 years, hasn't it?"
"87!" He says sternly although I get the humor behind his voice. I appreciate the effort and the timing for it, given the current circumstance.
Later that following day, I am driving my own children to their grandmothers to spend the night for a date night out. I flip on the blinker, take a right, proceed with caution, and immediately a downstream of tears begin to fall. It hits me like a brick wall right there in the drivers seat of the ol' family wagon, kids in the back, smiling to the DVD playing overhead. It's dark outside and my thoughts are in the same state.
"I am one generations length away from fighthing this life out on my own!" The words are playing loudly inside my head for only me to hear, my heart growing heavy and my eyes flooded with warm tears trickling down my face. I brush it off, take a glance in the mirror and promise myself that I am just entirely too sensitive.
I get the kids into the house, cuddly and snuggly in the queens bed to watch a movie and relax. My mother leads me out the front door, compliments me thoroughly on how great I look and I can't help but turn around, once again crying, and grabbing her tightly into my arms.
"Are you ok Ash?"
Cleary I am NOT ok. I'm confident enough in my day to day feats, I know my strengths and by golly and I am not confident enough to think I am strong enough to lead on this life without them, either of them, all of them.
I swallow hard, still crying. She politely says, "You might think about going to see someone, you know? Someone you can talk to..." her voice trailing off. I don't need to talk to anyone. I want to talk to you, at this particular moment, right here and right now and I want to hold all the good memories near and dear to my heart and savor all the infinite love I have for these good people in my life and I want them to know how much I love them and appreciate them and never a day go by that they might question that. I want to call my grandmother, spend my spring and falls in Southern Missouri with my father and my kids running around, I want my kids to know how great these incredible people are in their lives and have fond memories all their lives to carry around with them.
They all say I'm just overly sensitive and I'd say my cuppeth has runneth over with love. Either way?...I have a resolution, not just for the New Year but for always. The people we love in this life are important and I'm going to make sure they know it!
---
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
-JM
In the middle of my bantering, ranting and raving over this and that and whatever of that particular moment that is pissing me off, making my blood boil and I'm venting to him; giving the exact definition for the word "venting"-meaning to have hot steam roll out of the vents after things have really heated up. He lets me go on and on and on about rat-tit-tat-tit-too and when I finally get to the end of such said vent, while I'm catching my breath he very calmy and every so plain and flat says, "You really should call your grandmother. She mentioned something the other day about probably not being around for next Christmas."
The phone falls silent...
"Ash?, Are you still there?"
I don't know where my mind had escaped to but I most certainly did NOT want to be having this conversation. Not only am I responsible for the lives of two small children, being the damn Santa Claus I still would like to magicially believe in, now here we are talking about death of our loved ones like we talk about the changing of the weather. Really?! Adulthood sucks!
"You have her number don't you?"
I say, "Yeah..blah blah blah-blah blah blah blah. It's been the same for the past 89 years, hasn't it?"
"87!" He says sternly although I get the humor behind his voice. I appreciate the effort and the timing for it, given the current circumstance.
Later that following day, I am driving my own children to their grandmothers to spend the night for a date night out. I flip on the blinker, take a right, proceed with caution, and immediately a downstream of tears begin to fall. It hits me like a brick wall right there in the drivers seat of the ol' family wagon, kids in the back, smiling to the DVD playing overhead. It's dark outside and my thoughts are in the same state.
"I am one generations length away from fighthing this life out on my own!" The words are playing loudly inside my head for only me to hear, my heart growing heavy and my eyes flooded with warm tears trickling down my face. I brush it off, take a glance in the mirror and promise myself that I am just entirely too sensitive.
I get the kids into the house, cuddly and snuggly in the queens bed to watch a movie and relax. My mother leads me out the front door, compliments me thoroughly on how great I look and I can't help but turn around, once again crying, and grabbing her tightly into my arms.
"Are you ok Ash?"
Cleary I am NOT ok. I'm confident enough in my day to day feats, I know my strengths and by golly and I am not confident enough to think I am strong enough to lead on this life without them, either of them, all of them.
I swallow hard, still crying. She politely says, "You might think about going to see someone, you know? Someone you can talk to..." her voice trailing off. I don't need to talk to anyone. I want to talk to you, at this particular moment, right here and right now and I want to hold all the good memories near and dear to my heart and savor all the infinite love I have for these good people in my life and I want them to know how much I love them and appreciate them and never a day go by that they might question that. I want to call my grandmother, spend my spring and falls in Southern Missouri with my father and my kids running around, I want my kids to know how great these incredible people are in their lives and have fond memories all their lives to carry around with them.
They all say I'm just overly sensitive and I'd say my cuppeth has runneth over with love. Either way?...I have a resolution, not just for the New Year but for always. The people we love in this life are important and I'm going to make sure they know it!
---
No I'm not color blind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind but...
I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train I want to get off and go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly won't someone stop this train
Don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
-JM
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