((( Happy Thanksgiving :)))

Who could have guessed I'd be here, in this situation, today? My home is filled with two dozen people, two families incorporated into one, kids running around below our feet, the sound of laughter sitting atop the smell of freshly baked pumpkin pie as it all floats throughout the air and fills the guests with anticipation for what they've really come for...food! (and my Sangria: huge hit!)

Not just any food, not just any dinner...THE dinner. The dinner that is beyond all other dinners. The one that started it all, the dinner that does thanking of sorts. The dinner that gathers people from near and far, puts them all within fairly close proximity of one another where they watch football and are teased endlessly by the aromas of what is next to come their way. The dinner to give thanks and gorge to the point your pants are screaming for help. How selfish are we?, really! Oh but how lovely (and thankful we are) to partake in such festivities.

This dinner is always to be special. This dinner; today, here, in this home, with these people; smiles upon their faces, relaxed and comfortable, awaiting patiently; was so very much special to me.

The first Thanksgiving to host in this particular home. The first Thanksgiving spent with the one I love. The first Thanksgiving inviting all the ones we (the ones I and my love) love. The first Thanksgiving where a room of full of strangers were set at a table overflowing with food and drink and candles and fresh flowers. (If you're painting a picture in your mind: it was kind of like that very first dinner; minus the buckled hats and shoes and feather headdresses, but oh so very similar nonetheless).

As of late, it's been a time of many many firsts all piled up on one another like the helpings onto the plates of the guests seated around such said table. AND?! It's been absolutely lovely!!!

So?...cheers to the firsts! And Happy Thanksgiving!

"As you become more clear about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you - the first time around."
Oprah Winfrey

..~ Give Thanks ~..

I look outside at the calm water that fills the lake and makes up what is to be considered my front yard. The bright sun shines gracefully across the land, reflecting on the good He has blessed us with and I am so extremely grateful to be given such a beautiful day; not just any day; but a magnificently gorgeous day here only 2 days prior to Thanksgiving. 

My windows are open, my house is scrubbed clean and shining like a diamond; ready for guests, ready for the finest of foods and freshly baked goods which I will start preparing tonight. The next 5 days will be complete with family, friends, food, football, and finding the Christmas decorations to adorn our surroundings with. 

I write this now for fear I won't get the chance when guests start arriving, ovens begin preheating, and the hostess apron goes on. But I want to be certain to encourage all those others; Thanksgiving is a day when we give Thanks for all we have. Let it not be condensed to only one special day out of the year, let it overflow into the other 364 days of the year. However, with that being said; I want to be sure to count my blessings and list them one by one.

The truth is: in a world full of pain and suffering, hardship and turmoil, disappointment and regret; I am at such a good place in my life and have so many wonderful things to be thankful for that my cup has runneth over with sheer inner peace and gratefulness that I can't possibly be expected to keep it in all in nor shy away that I accept the challenges and responsibility in this world and yet I also get down on my knees and respond and respect to the many many lotteries I've happened to hit and show my utmost appreciation and gratitude. (Phew! "Run-on Ashley" I can hear in the voice of my high school English teacher. But I've never been known as short winded.)

I encourage each and everyone to take some time to make a list (big or small) of things to be thankful for. Even if it doesn't come natural to you, take a deep breath (be thankful you can) and look around at your environment. I can imagine someone having some sort of "writers block" for the thankfully challenged and then like a dam being opened up; thoughts of thanks come pouring out. 

1) I am thankful for my children. Without them: I am nothing and with them: I am everything! They make me want to continually be a better mother, better woman, better daughter, better sister, better friend, better...better...better. They complete me and I am truly blessed to have these two wonderful beings in my life that show me everyday that there is a reason to be happy; and I see those reasons for happiness through their eyes. They have taught me that unconditional love does exist; without restraint and I am entirely grateful that I get to call them mine and there is no greater reward than to be called their mother!

2) I am thankful for my boyfriend. For a very long time I wanted to make something out of nothing. For so very long I painfully masked an unhappy situation and even thought I was undeserving of such; and told as much daily. We simply stumbled into one another's lives; and without reservation, conflict, or too many words; magically created a bond and a love stronger than most marriages I know. I am so thankful he accepts me and my children as his own and has the softest sweetest good heart to back it up. He's an amazing man and we (my children and I) are so incredibly thankful he chose us and we welcome him with open arms to our now even happier family; the puzzle piece that fits and completes the effort.

3) I am thankful for my family. They are crazy and erratic, they have issues all on their own, there is ever seemingly moments of chaos and complete madness that is exhausting and tiresome. Yet: they are always a phone call away and it needn't be a small feat. They; together; could move mountains and they would all do so for me and for those they love. They have gone the lengths to prove this time and time again and I am thankful for them (and all their craziness)! 

(Neither my wonderful father or my loving mother are in this picture; but their presence and love and generosity exceeds my expectations every single minute of every single day and I love them both to the ends of the earth and back)

4) I am thankful for my friends. Throughout the years, I have lost and gained friends. I have friends that I've known for a dozen years, friends that I've known for a few years, and friends that I'd walk over fiery hot coals for. Those friends have made me a better friend and those friends will be friends til the end of time. They are truly good people to the depths of their core and I appreciate them today, tomorrow, and always.

  

(Molly O'Brien :) on my 28th birthday)  Friends since 2006                             

(Alison Borja in SF, CA in 2011) Friends since 2002 

5) I am thankful for my new town. I love my home, I love the proximity to my family. I love being only minutes from the hustling and bustling of the downtown happening(ness) if I choose to join the "IN" crowd and yet live in such a small community where I can feel ok leaving my doors unlocked and my child ride his bike without having to worry too much. It's clean, it's safe, it's comfortable, it's home :)

6) I am thankful for movies. I have always enjoyed watching a good flick but as of late; I REALLY enjoy watching a good flick. I love watching kid movies with the kids and grown up movies with my love; either all cuddled on the couch or in our bed. It's always a good time and I give movies 5 stars for making many (movie) memories for me and my family.

7) I am thankful for music. How many times have we heard a song that we loved but later heard that same song when we were in a different place in our lives and really LOVED that song?! I like new, old, country, rock, and anything in between. I enjoy dancing around with my kids and singing along or finding peace on pandora when I'm taking a hot bath surrounding only by my own thoughts. 

8) I am thankful for books. I love to read. I love anticipating new arrivals. I equally love to write and feel energized upon reading to turn around and one day write a masterpiece. I love being able to read and then watch a movie and compare the two. I am thankful I can read good, as opposed to those who can't read good! Ha! 

9) I am thankful for good food. I like to indulge and see no reason not to. We live in a world that has so many wonderful and amazing things to consume completely and I love to dive fully into any dish and experience it for what it is and savor the moments around a table with those I love, eating what we like and discussing what's alive in our hearts.

10) I am thankful for my future! I have such a wonderful idea of the direction we (my family) is headed and a road map laid out before me that branches out like the oak swaying in the wind outside the window as I write. I am thankful for the future of my kids and we welcome it with open arms and look forward to whatever the future may bring our way. All good things :)

AND

11) Lastly, and most importantly, I am thankful for Grace - for love that cannot be explained (only surrendered to), for a Creator that inspires creativity, purpose and a hope that there is more to the story than we see.

“We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.” ~Cynthia Ozick

And I want to wish everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving. May you have many blessings to be thankful for and may you take the time to count each and every one of them. God Bless!

Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Today is a day when nothing seems to be going my way. Although the sun shines it does not overpower the bitter coldness that blows upon the breeze which has resulted in chilling my insides to the depth of my soul. I'm not in a good place. Not just my internal temperature has been effected. Sadly enough, my mood has buckled under pressure and it's on a continuous, downward, out-of- control spiral to a deeper and darker place of recklessness. And I am looking forward to this lash out!

I've moved into a new community that hasn't exactly welcomed me with open arms. Having gone through the mess in which we (my little family) went through (no sense in getting into details, everyone has these periods in their life ie: divorce being one of them). Trust me: I understand the concept of being the "new kid" in town; locals having been born and raised here, cliques having been formed, families having grown up and bonded since a young age. I grew up in such a small town. I know the close knit community feel and I know that "outsiders" have a more difficult time getting comfortable in their surroundings. However, we continue on. We plaster a smile upon our faces just like we did in West Omaha when we were truly unhappy. We parade around with a strut in our step like we haven't a care in the world. Truth is: I'm here! (and I'm queer) NO! That's a joke. We wouldn't want to go starting rumors while we are still new in town now, would we?! 

I had to go through hell and back to get to where I am now, and by "I", I do mean me and my children, which are the utmost important thing in my life and even that seems like an understatement. Why are people so quick to judge? Why so quick to automatically shun someone or make them feel like they are anything less when you haven't a fucking clue what kind of a mess they had to get through to get into the situation they are now? Just trying to start a new life here, with my happy and healthy kids, in my clean and comfortable home. What's so wrong with that? Throw me a freaking bone.

And hearing stories! Ohhh the horrific stories of the people with less than meaningful manners and no morals at all to speak of. We live in a country when it's generally safe to walk down the sidewalk with our children in tow, where we aren't plagued by not being able to drink water from the tap for fear of growing an extra limb out of the top our heads, a place where we can sleep soundly at night knowing our possessions are just that; OUR possessions) and backed by the men in blue with badges upon their chests that can be here as fast it takes for me to dial in on my iphone (which is a blessing in itself). 

Our children run a rat race of getting involved into their own community, an educational institution where freedom to say "The Pledge of Allegiance" is an honor and knowing our rights as citizens is embedded in us since an early age. (Even if that does mean correcting our children in public is illegal- "just wait til we get home" has come across my tongue in more instances than one). 

I haven't the patience, nor the tolerance for such ignorance, not today! GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE! We are all just swimming in a fishbowl, trying to survive, tucking our children into bed at night and saying our prayers before we tuck ourselves in, giving thanks for another day of the sun shining and the safety that our country has been blessed to be backed by the many men and women in uniform. We think about the things we should overcome as individuals; to become better people, better parents, better friends, better citizens in our community. Get your thoughts in the right place, I'm getting tired of constantly being the better person in these situations.

Good things come to good people. It's a motto I've lived by since I was old enough to form a thought of my own and by golly I'll stand by even when the road is dark and dim. We all have days (today being one of them) when our rage and jealousy makes it just a wee bit tougher to thank someone for all the good in your life, when the smallest incident can result in the biggest blow-out, when breathing wrong in my general direction leaves a running image in my mind of me barreling across the table and ripping your head off. Why would you possibly want to drive me there? I try to act like a lady, a level headed gal with the sense god gave me, with dignity and class to surpass the rest. Don't make me act any different by pissing me off to the point I come out of my exterior and go loco on your trailer trash acting ass. And yes! I did just say "loco". I happened to pick it up by one of your friends I ran into at the local watering hole. I hate to stoop to your level but just to prove a point, I will do so and kick your ass all over your community in the meantime making a fool of us both.

A smile is contagious, right?! Yeah, so is a yawn and your petty bullshit is boring the hell out of me. Instead of constantly looking at other people and the life they lead, take the time to look around you and realize what god has blessed you with, not what other people have. I'd love to be many things ie: thinner, smarter, prettier, richer, and a lot less of many other things. However, I have all of the things I need to make my life comfortable and enough love given back by my children and my lovely boyfriend (which as luck would have it: was born and raised in the same said community; at least he has the decency to acknowledge a good woman when he sees one!) give to me every single day and night. What more could I ask for?

And if throwing up my middle finger and saluting you with a big "FUCK YOU!" is the only way you can understand that I'd like to be welcomed to the town, by all means "FUCK YOU ALL!" :) and I look forward to incorporating myself further into the life you are unfortunately so unhappy with. 

(((taking a deep breath))) 

And I am certain tomorrow I'll be back to my normal fun loving self and will continually brush all things from the shoulder and give a damn less. I look forward to the sun rising again tomorrow and getting me back to a better place, in the meantime, stay out of my face.