I find myself walking, completely alone. It's the middle of the day in the middle of the week and from the emptiness that has filled my head, it doesn't appear I have much to do. It's raining. Not a down pour but enough for me to be dampened...and cold. The sky is grey and it appears heavy, hanging low to the ground, like I could reach up and touch it. It's full of water and what isn't stuck in the low hanging sky above me is washing golden leaves down the gutters of the streets. These gutters are running parallel to cobblestone streets that are unusually empty and they are full of what screams autumn; the passing of a time, chapter; onto the next.
I turn right to head down the alley. A short cut perhaps but mostly to change scenery. It's dark and even colder than the streets which seems odd to me since the tall buildings aligning the alleyway are blocking the cold wind. My hands are shoved deep into my coat pockets and my collar pulled taught up along my neck. I still feel the cold air upon my cheeks and my nose; knowingly they are red and my eyes are full from the draft.
I can hear the water making it's way through the downspouts of the buildings that surround me and pouring onto the already wet concrete. It's whooshing sound, echoing, reminds me of somewhere much warmer; somewhere kissed by the sun; which I am really missing at this very moment.
My feet are growing heavy, splashing along and I kick up water with me with every step. The bottom of my jeans have reached beyond soaked and a hot bath is the only remedy for removing the cold from my body at this point. Ahhh...thinking of a hot bath, fogging up the glass, relaxed, soothed. That remedy beats almost any ailment one could endure and I make a mental note that just as soon as I return from wherever it is that I seem to be, I'll do just that and nothing can stop me.
I reach the end of the alley and the sky scoops down as if it wants to grab me, perhaps embrace me in a hug, and leave me alone to think with warm thoughts to consume my head. Instead, I find a bench, cold and rained upon. It's painted a green that could only be categorized as farm equipment green like it came straight out of the Crayola crayon box and filled in like a coloring book to make this elementary hue that I am thinking about sitting upon. It could be more creative. Not appealing in the least bit but I sit down to give the heavy load a rest.
I'm trying to sit properly, back straight, shoulders sharp, feet flat on the ground. Instead, since nobody seems to watching, aside from the sky that is now sitting upon my shoulders, I sit slouched and completely melting into myself. My hands are under my bent legs, feeling the warmth my body is trying to supply and the coldness that surrounds me. I am curled into my body, rocking back and forth and at that moment realize that something deep inside of me is troubled. I cannot pin point the stress I am under but am thankful for the weather and the heavy sky for setting the stage to the mood that seems to be plaguing me.
If I were to walk past myself; all alone sitting on the cold park bench, eyes filled with trouble and sadness, completely drenched in the cold rain that has yet to let up, I would think I was more troubled than I actually am. I might even offer me money to get a hot coffee at the coffee shop just up the road and point to me with directions on how to get there, tell a story about the lady behind the counter and how friendly she is to everyone that comes through the door. But nobody walks by. It's just me, my heavy sky, and even heavier thoughts.
I'm completely unaware of the time and even more in the dark about what is to happen once I decide to start walking again. I have no watch, no phone, and nobody walking past to ask for the time. Truth is, I haven't even a need for knowing what time it is. There doesn't seem to be anywhere that I need to be.
I gather myself and peel my wet body off the bench and I continue on my way. If I continue to walk, surely I'll come across something. Until then, it's raining and my head is as heavy with thoughts as the sky is with the rain. We seem to be best friends, feeling each other's load, feeling the sadness all around us and I'm certain the day will break soon and I will continue my walk into the darkness of the night and continue on a journey that seems to have been laid out before me like a stone path leading into a golden garden. It could very well be dark now and I wouldn't realize it. I'm alone with myself and lost in my thoughts.
I am reminded that we continually walk alone in this world. There is no train coming and I certainly don't have a ticket if there was. I trust people too much. I think with my heart instead of my head. I trust people to the depths that they wouldn't hurt me just because knowingly I could not hurt them in such said ways. However, I am naive. Generally people are looking out for themselves. Period--end of story! This walk has taught me that I must start doing the same. Life is not supposed to be so cold and cut throat but just like I have endured day, it is! We are alone, and we continue walking until the day breaks and the sun comes out and shines upon us, the rain stops, we dry off and we continue.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.
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