sOliTuDe

I owe my solitude to other people.
There are days when solitude is a heady wine that intoxicates you with freedom, others when it is a bitter tonic, and still others when it is a poison that makes you beat your head against the wall.



Having a large family, an adequate group of acquaintances, a small group of friends, howbeit, we all walk alone in this world.
 
Is it what we expect? Not usually. Is it what we hope for? I'd like to believe no. Only so much solitary confinement is healthy. It's a slow process. It starts off a good idea:
I think that I cannot preserve my health and spirits, unless I spend four hours a day at least - and it is commonly more than that - sauntering through the woods and over the hills and fields, absolutely free from all worldly engagements.  Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where I renew my springs that never dry up. 
 
Solitude never hurt anyone.  Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon. 
 
It's good in small doses I assume. Only so much at any given time and it has to be YOUR idea or you'll completely drive yourself mad. It's like absinthe or any hallucinogen. ::: snickering to myself::: (((nobody is around so laughing at my own jokes is an absolute must when trying to enjoy my seclusion from the rest of the world)))

I suppose I would consider myself a "people person" (and often a people pleaser) so having complete silence and being enveloped in nothingness around me (no kids laughing, nobody in the house asking for anything in particular, just the sound of the washer and dryer doing what it does best) is quite a shock compared to the actual grind on any particular time and day. 


As often as I need a break and being able to sit in my completely still home with nothing going on around me, it made me realize how much my soul is fed by the family life, by being around people I enjoy, like sunshine to a flower when the petals have begun to wilt and you've lost all hope that it can continue forward but it struggles through the rays, absorbs the vitamin E and starts to rise against the impossible and stand tall, basking in the glory. I suppose my demeanor may have resembled this the past couple of days while my family has not been around. I am looking forward to the weekend, engaging in those events that keep us going, keep us busy, and mostly having my son return from vacation. 


I want to start a women's group in my community. Surround myself with positive uplifting empowering woman that do the same as the sun does to the flower. Fills my entire being with much needed information and goods to continue down a solid path. Its a Seed that Grows into something bigger than oneself and I believe fully in it. I believe that woman can do so much in groups when they band together and focus on a similar goal or destination. One day.... I will make all this possible. 


While in my "time-out" I jot down notes, reminders, anything I can do to take my mind off actually being by myself and soon will implement everything when I get over the hurdles I am currently jumping. Only so much can be on the plate at once and I suppose that getting through my education, moving the entire family into a new residence, all while finishing out this pregnancy is enough for the moment. 


So many things to do, so very little energy to do much of anything. Keep trekking and pushing on... always something to do (alone or not)